The Pit

Welcome to another little lesson on depression.

Today, we shall discuss the pit, and how much it SUCKS! The Pit is pretty easy to figure out; it's that point when we're at an absolute low. I (and others) call it the pit, because that's what it feels like: It feels like you've fallen into this pit, ans you're lying at the bottom, broken, shattered.

I was in the pit tonight.

In fact, I've been in the pit most of my time home. It's a deep dark place, and it's awful, horrible, excruciating.

The worst part about the pit, and depression in general, is that a lot of the time you have things that have worked in the past, tools to get out. However, you can't be bothered to do anything about it. It's like you're at the bottom of the pit looking up at, and all your tools are standing there, waiting to throw you a rope ladder, but you have to ask.

And you just do not care.

Yeah, the pit sucks.


And on the subject of not caring, let's get real for a minute.

Depression has a wonderful ability to take away your capacity to care about anything. That's why people with severe depression have trouble doing things, or leaving the house, or even leaving their bed. What's the point? Life sucks, nothing good is going to happen anyway, and I can totally watch Netflix in my bed (and make a blanket/pillow fort!)

I was at that point a lot lately. In fact (prepare yourselves, it's about to get fun!) there were points in my week where, while I wasn't actively plotting my own demise, I was very much okay with the thought of dying.

Let me repeat, I'm not seeking my own death, but... even a little bit right now, I wouldn't be too upset if I were to die. 

I wouldn't be too upset...


And let me tell you, it's an awful way to live.

Worse yet, I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about it. don't get me wrong, I know there are many of you who have told me I can reach out. But, it's hard. It's about trust, and it's not that I don't trust people, it's that admitting your weakness, especially when that includes admitting that the thought of death borders on pleasant.

Not fun.

So, you may wonder, why say it here? Why announce it to everyone when you won't tell it to anyone? Valid question, made up skeptic in my head.

There are a few reasons.

1: It's way easier to post something like this on the internet than telling someone you really care about, face to face, that you are going through this.

2: I really, really dislike sharing my burdens with the people I love, due to the excessive fear that I could be bringing them down with me. I don't know about you, but I don't like causing loved ones pain. Hence why I hesitate to share. Especially since I can't talk to the one person I want to...

But that is another story for anther time! I think that's all I have for today. I'll let you know the next time I have a near breakdown, and what I learn from that!!!