Sitting here, at 3 am unable to sleep, I feel more depressed than I have in awhile. Honestly, I've been good lately, but something about right now is just hard. It could be all the old music I've written I've been going through. It could be that I just found out the girl I'm not actually sure I have a crush on is in a potential relationship anyway, so it doesn't really matter. It could be that it's been a year to the day that I had the worst day of my life, and the only day I've ever actually contemplated suicide.
It could just be my meds need to be adjusted who knows.
Depression sucks, just when you feel you're doing okay, it flanks you and takes you down. Seriously, why do I feel so alone right now? I'm in the show that literally kept me alive during the hardest summer of my life, playing a great role, and understudying my dream role. I've made loads of new friends in the cast that I've already had some deep conversations with. I'm letting people in, if only just a bit.
But I feel so alone.
I feel like I've been alone forever, that I'm going to be alone forever. I feel like the only real chance I had at finding happiness has already up and gone. I feel so inadequate, like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not enough, like I don't deserve to be happy, because what good have I ever done?
I feel completely abandoned by God, and I feel like I'm never going to get back the relationship I once had with Him.
I'm scared that I can't do this, I'm afraid that I'll never amount to anything, I'm afraid that any good thing in my life is going to be torn away from me, that anything I ever enjoyed is gone.
I feel trapped. In this body, that I want to change, improve, but I can't. Depression is like being in a body that doesn't work. You remember how to walk, but you can't. You remember feeling, but can't.
And you feel worthless, and broken, and trapped, and stuck, and you hurt, and you feel empty, and out of control.
And I know this feeling will pass. That I'll wake up in the morning and feel better. That I'll go back to rehearsal Monday doing what I love, and feel better. I know that my friends will be there, cheering me on, and I'll feel better.
But right now.
Right now, I feel alone.
And no one knows. Because I don't tell them. I don't have to go through this alone. But it's all I've ever done, and I don't know how to do it any other way.
But I know I don't want to be alone anymore.
