Welcome to another little lesson on depression.
Today, we shall discuss the pit, and how much it SUCKS! The Pit is pretty easy to figure out; it's that point when we're at an absolute low. I (and others) call it the pit, because that's what it feels like: It feels like you've fallen into this pit, ans you're lying at the bottom, broken, shattered.
I was in the pit tonight.
In fact, I've been in the pit most of my time home. It's a deep dark place, and it's awful, horrible, excruciating.
The worst part about the pit, and depression in general, is that a lot of the time you have things that have worked in the past, tools to get out. However, you can't be bothered to do anything about it. It's like you're at the bottom of the pit looking up at, and all your tools are standing there, waiting to throw you a rope ladder, but you have to ask.
And you just do not care.
Yeah, the pit sucks.
And on the subject of not caring, let's get real for a minute.
Depression has a wonderful ability to take away your capacity to care about anything. That's why people with severe depression have trouble doing things, or leaving the house, or even leaving their bed. What's the point? Life sucks, nothing good is going to happen anyway, and I can totally watch Netflix in my bed (and make a blanket/pillow fort!)
I was at that point a lot lately. In fact (prepare yourselves, it's about to get fun!) there were points in my week where, while I wasn't actively plotting my own demise, I was very much okay with the thought of dying.
Let me repeat, I'm not seeking my own death, but... even a little bit right now, I wouldn't be too upset if I were to die.
I wouldn't be too upset...
And let me tell you, it's an awful way to live.
Worse yet, I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about it. don't get me wrong, I know there are many of you who have told me I can reach out. But, it's hard. It's about trust, and it's not that I don't trust people, it's that admitting your weakness, especially when that includes admitting that the thought of death borders on pleasant.
Not fun.
So, you may wonder, why say it here? Why announce it to everyone when you won't tell it to anyone? Valid question, made up skeptic in my head.
There are a few reasons.
1: It's way easier to post something like this on the internet than telling someone you really care about, face to face, that you are going through this.
2: I really, really dislike sharing my burdens with the people I love, due to the excessive fear that I could be bringing them down with me. I don't know about you, but I don't like causing loved ones pain. Hence why I hesitate to share. Especially since I can't talk to the one person I want to...
But that is another story for anther time! I think that's all I have for today. I'll let you know the next time I have a near breakdown, and what I learn from that!!!
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Being Depressed Is Just,,, The Worst. (AKA Lessons in Negative Automatic Thoughts)
Just a spoiler alert here: This post is about to get real real. Don't want to here how I feel? Stop reading now. Honestly, I don't know if anyone will ever actually read this, well, if I'll let them.
First off, I want to preface this with the fact that not only does depression cause you to believe things that are false, and irrational, but that I know most (if not all) of these things are false!
So, that being said, here is how I feel:
I feel alone. Horribly, painfully, crushingly (real word? probz not) alone.
I feel unloved. I feel unworthy of love (sometimes).
And I feel like it will be this way forever. (Unrequited love and depression? Bonus ticket on the suck train to feel-like-hellville.)
I feel like I can't talk to anyone, because the thought of burdening people with my problems is terrible. Being depressed, being so horribly sad a majority of the time makes me feel weak. And no one likes feeling weak. Admitting your weakness? Forget about it.
I feel like no one cares about me. I feel like people were too busy to care while I was gone, and their too busy to care now. I feel like anytime someone I care about contacts me, it's because I contact them first. I feel like I'm always the one to initiate, therefore no one is thinking of/ cares about me. I fell like the person I care about most in this world couldn't care less (way, way false.)
Depression is a damn lonely existence. At least, it creates that illusion. It makes it hard to get close to people, and destroys your self esteem and self worth (things mentioned in my returned home blog)
Now lets go over a bit of why these thoughts happen.
You notice that every statement I made above says I feel, not a one says I am, or it will, or any other iteration of that kind of certainty. So when a well meaning friend says "That's not true!" They are right, and we know they're right...but it doesn't matter! (Nor does it really help, unfortunately.)
So, the question remains, what the hell is going on here? Let's jump into something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. It's a method of therapy for depression and anxiety that focus on putting the lie to the thoughts that theoretically create these feelings, called Negative Automatic Thoughts.
So, most of the above statements are examples of a twist in thinking referred to as Emotional Reasoning. So, I feel alone, therefore I am alone. I feel worthless, therefore I must be worthless. I feel unloved, so I must be unloved.
Somewhere between our thoughts and feelings, something gets lost in translation, the part of us that knows these thoughts are lies. So we believe them, and we dismiss the people saying they aren't (another distortion called discounting the positive.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that depression is something that can be cured with positive thinking (well... I suppose in rare cases...) but it is interesting to note the effect our thoughts have on our moods.
Fun Fact of the day: no one actually knows what causes depression, it's all theoretical (like the theory of evolution, or the big bang theory.) Every single drug on the market for depression is a shot in the dark. They all basically say, "We're not sure what actually causes depression, but this is what we think it might be, and so we made a drug to fix the problem we think exists." There honestly could be different types of depression affecting different parts of the brain anatomy, or chemical reactions, or whatever. The current method of treatment is throwing crap at the wall to see what sticks. That's why MAOI's work better for some people, SSRI's work better for others, and some people aren't affected in the least by anti-depressants.
It seems that I've gotten off my train of thought, and seem to just be rambling at this point, so I guess I'll end it here. But, hey, I feel way better, so that's good! I guess y'all will get to see this after all.
Oh, and feel free to message me, or leave comments with your thoughts, or whatever. Depression is talked about so little by the people who actually have it, that it's gained a stigma.
To hell with that. Let's talk about it.
Ask me anything.
-Taylor
First off, I want to preface this with the fact that not only does depression cause you to believe things that are false, and irrational, but that I know most (if not all) of these things are false!
So, that being said, here is how I feel:
I feel alone. Horribly, painfully, crushingly (real word? probz not) alone.
I feel unloved. I feel unworthy of love (sometimes).
And I feel like it will be this way forever. (Unrequited love and depression? Bonus ticket on the suck train to feel-like-hellville.)
I feel like I can't talk to anyone, because the thought of burdening people with my problems is terrible. Being depressed, being so horribly sad a majority of the time makes me feel weak. And no one likes feeling weak. Admitting your weakness? Forget about it.
I feel like no one cares about me. I feel like people were too busy to care while I was gone, and their too busy to care now. I feel like anytime someone I care about contacts me, it's because I contact them first. I feel like I'm always the one to initiate, therefore no one is thinking of/ cares about me. I fell like the person I care about most in this world couldn't care less (way, way false.)
Depression is a damn lonely existence. At least, it creates that illusion. It makes it hard to get close to people, and destroys your self esteem and self worth (things mentioned in my returned home blog)
Now lets go over a bit of why these thoughts happen.
You notice that every statement I made above says I feel, not a one says I am, or it will, or any other iteration of that kind of certainty. So when a well meaning friend says "That's not true!" They are right, and we know they're right...but it doesn't matter! (Nor does it really help, unfortunately.)
So, the question remains, what the hell is going on here? Let's jump into something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. It's a method of therapy for depression and anxiety that focus on putting the lie to the thoughts that theoretically create these feelings, called Negative Automatic Thoughts.
So, most of the above statements are examples of a twist in thinking referred to as Emotional Reasoning. So, I feel alone, therefore I am alone. I feel worthless, therefore I must be worthless. I feel unloved, so I must be unloved.
Somewhere between our thoughts and feelings, something gets lost in translation, the part of us that knows these thoughts are lies. So we believe them, and we dismiss the people saying they aren't (another distortion called discounting the positive.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that depression is something that can be cured with positive thinking (well... I suppose in rare cases...) but it is interesting to note the effect our thoughts have on our moods.
Fun Fact of the day: no one actually knows what causes depression, it's all theoretical (like the theory of evolution, or the big bang theory.) Every single drug on the market for depression is a shot in the dark. They all basically say, "We're not sure what actually causes depression, but this is what we think it might be, and so we made a drug to fix the problem we think exists." There honestly could be different types of depression affecting different parts of the brain anatomy, or chemical reactions, or whatever. The current method of treatment is throwing crap at the wall to see what sticks. That's why MAOI's work better for some people, SSRI's work better for others, and some people aren't affected in the least by anti-depressants.
It seems that I've gotten off my train of thought, and seem to just be rambling at this point, so I guess I'll end it here. But, hey, I feel way better, so that's good! I guess y'all will get to see this after all.
Oh, and feel free to message me, or leave comments with your thoughts, or whatever. Depression is talked about so little by the people who actually have it, that it's gained a stigma.
To hell with that. Let's talk about it.
Ask me anything.
-Taylor
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