Being Depressed Is Just,,, The Worst. (AKA Lessons in Negative Automatic Thoughts)

Just a spoiler alert here: This post is about to get real real. Don't want to here how I feel? Stop reading now. Honestly, I don't know if anyone will ever actually read this, well, if I'll let them.

First off, I want to preface this with the fact that not only does depression cause you to believe things that are false, and irrational, but that I know most (if not all) of these things are false!

So, that being said, here is how I feel:

I feel alone. Horribly,  painfully, crushingly (real word? probz not) alone.

I feel unloved. I feel unworthy of love (sometimes).

And I feel like it will be this way forever. (Unrequited love and depression? Bonus ticket on the suck train to feel-like-hellville.)

I feel like I can't talk to anyone, because the thought of burdening people with my problems is terrible. Being depressed, being so horribly sad a majority of the time makes me feel weak. And no one likes feeling weak. Admitting your weakness? Forget about it.

I feel like no one cares about me. I feel like people were too busy to care while I was gone, and their too busy to care now. I feel like anytime someone I care about contacts me, it's because I contact them first. I feel like I'm always the one to initiate, therefore no one is thinking of/ cares about me. I fell like the person I care about most in this world couldn't care less (way, way false.)

Depression is a damn lonely existence. At least, it creates that illusion. It makes it hard to get close to people, and destroys your self esteem and self worth (things mentioned in my returned home blog)

Now lets go over a bit of why these thoughts happen.

You notice that every statement I made above says I feel, not a one says I am, or it will, or any other iteration of that kind of certainty. So when a well meaning friend says "That's not true!" They are right, and we know they're right...but it doesn't matter! (Nor does it really help, unfortunately.)

So, the question remains, what the hell is going on here? Let's jump into something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. It's a method of therapy for depression and anxiety that focus on putting the lie to the thoughts that theoretically create these feelings, called Negative Automatic Thoughts.

So, most of the above statements are examples of a twist in thinking referred to as Emotional Reasoning. So, I feel alone, therefore I am alone. I feel worthless, therefore I must be worthless. I feel unloved, so I must be unloved.

Somewhere between our thoughts and feelings, something gets lost in translation, the part of us that knows these thoughts are lies. So we believe them, and we dismiss the people saying they aren't (another distortion called discounting the positive.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that depression is something that can be cured with positive thinking (well... I suppose in rare cases...) but it is interesting to note the effect our thoughts have on our moods.

Fun Fact of the day: no one actually knows what causes depression, it's all theoretical (like the theory of evolution, or the big bang theory.) Every single drug on the market for depression is a shot in the dark. They all basically say, "We're not sure what actually causes depression, but this is what we think it might be, and so we made a drug to fix the problem we think exists." There honestly could be different types of depression affecting different parts of the brain anatomy, or chemical reactions, or whatever. The current method of treatment is throwing crap at the wall to see what sticks. That's why MAOI's work better for some people, SSRI's work better for others, and some people aren't affected in the least by anti-depressants.

It seems that I've gotten off my train of thought, and seem to just be rambling at this point, so I guess I'll end it here. But, hey, I feel way better, so that's good! I guess y'all will get to see this after all.

Oh, and feel free to message me, or leave comments with your thoughts, or whatever. Depression is talked about so little by the people who actually have it, that it's gained a stigma.

To hell with that. Let's talk about it.

Ask me anything.

-Taylor